Love’s not a punishment

In this month of prayer and seeking (of course we pray and seek continuously, but we are especially intentional about it this month) I have to confess that I have not been faithful. I’ve been praying every day and many times a day but not in sync with my community. Not in a disciplined way.

The thing about discipline is it’s not a punishment. There’s a mystery about it. I’m learning more and more that the spirit of God is always inviting me into something wonderful. What He has for me is always sweet. This has been my experience. Yet I resist.

While reading this morning I was stirred by references to the dawn. Then I remembered: last week I was blessed with good sleep (a rarity for me) and I awoke many times at 6 a.m. and even 5 a.m. feeling fairly refreshed. I contemplated leaving my bed but chose to stay in it and return to sleep for another hour or more. I remember thinking, “What if God is waking me? Maybe He wants to tell me something.”

It didn’t occur to me that others from my community might have been praying in that moment and that I might be receiving an invitation to join them. Once I rolled out of bed it was too late. I was then caught in the activities of preparing breakfast and getting Sam to school.

What an awesome thing to be awoken by the Lord. I think about Joseph and Mary being roused from sleep by angels and how I’ve yearned for the same, yearned for confirmation of the story, of the existence of that which is unseen but subtly experienced.

Why do I need so much confirmation anyway? I’ve seen the face of God, what more do I need? He’s handled me so carefully, so sweetly and yet when He calls I don’t answer? I ignored His invitation and I missed out. For three nights my sleep has gotten progressively worse. Last night I lay awake for hours staring at the ceiling, muscles spasming and bones aching. I prayed to Him my weak prayers and sleep finally came.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.